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Volume 78 - Number 41 / March 18 - 24, 2009
West and East Village, Chelsea, Soho, Noho, Little Italy, Chinatown and Lower East Side, Since 1933



*** PRESS ADVISORY ***
For Immediate Release

Declaring peace, Donald Trump has hired the community opposition to work for him.

Trump Soho will open April 1; Former foes are hired as staff 

True to his word as ever, and despite a series of setbacks due to community organizers, Donald Trump has announced that his embattled Trump Soho hotel will open on schedule “in the spring of 2009,” as he predicted. The grand opening will be April 1, in time for a gala April Fools’ soiree to be celebrated at SoHi — the restaurant on the yet-to-be-completed 46th floor. 

Repeating his famous quote “In New York I can build a box. Or I can get a creative design, go through 10 years of community boards, and still get refused 32 to 0. Given that choice, I’ll build a box,” The Donald was smug as he stood before his building on Varick St., where a skeleton crew of a dozen workers were shuffling around and cleaning up debris, as they have been doing daily for the past year.

Trump attributed the lack of construction activity to his newly found concern for worker safety: “If no one is working, no one will die or get injured.” Being the gentleman that he is, Mr. Trump would not answer pesky critics on the community board who believe, 32 to 0, that his box will still not be built in 10 years.  

Responding to claims that no real construction has taken place on the project for more than a year, with typical confidence The Donald trumpeted, “Don’t worry. My crew will have no problem installing 46 floors of plumbing, sheet rock, electrical, masonry and thousands of luxury details in the next two weeks.  I’m Donald Trump. I get things done. No NIMBY’s will stop me.” 

Countering claims that not even a single pane of glass has been installed in more than a year, Trump was quick to point out that there is a worldwide shortage of silicone, precipitated by the relentless demands of his ex-wives and assorted bimbos for silicone injections for their lips and breast augmentation surgery.

“The Trump name is synonymous with boobs,” the hirsute heir was quick to point out. 

At a press conference last year, Trump bragged that 62 percent of the units were sold. Given the current healthy economy, the willingness of creditors to finance deluxe projects and the lack of knowledge by most people that the Trump Organization is on the rocks, unemployed real-estate agents hired by Trump now confirm that the project is 100 percent sold. And they say scores of buyers are on the waiting list, willing to shell out $3,000 a square foot to live in a barren manufacturing zone, convenient to transportation, like the entrance to the Holland Tunnel, and down the street from a new Sanitation Department facility. 

“Who needs a state-of-the-art garbage-disposal unit in your room when you can drop off your garbage at a state-of-the-art garbage dump down the street?” touted Trump. 

In September 2007 at a ceremony inside the site, Mr. Trump announced, “I want to thank the protesters outside for helping to make this job so successful. I don’t know if they can hear me, perhaps not, but I hope they can.” 

Following up in his gratitude, the magnanimous magnate showed his appreciation to his former foe Andrew Berman, of the Greenwich Village Society for Historic Preservation, by hiring Berman as preservation consultant for the project.

“This building must be preserved for future generations as a classic example of ’90s-style glitz, schlock and tacky excess,” proclaimed Berman. “When Columbia architecture professor Mitchell Joachim judged Trump Soho ‘one of the ugliest buildings in New York,’ it showed the premier position Trump Soho will hold in architectural history.”

Trump further showed his appreciation to former foes by hiring as counsel Sean Sweeney, of the Soho Alliance, the group that has several legal challenges currently in court against the project.

“Sweeney sure knows how to frustrate greedy, arrogant people,” Trump said. “I will be using his expertise in meeting the demands of those wives of mine.”

For further information, please go to our sales office at 104 Wooster St. in Soho. Our sales agents also have a bridge to sell you. 
 
Sean Sweeney is director, Soho Alliance 

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