Cracked: Da Vinci Code it ain’t at Homeland Security

Talking Point

By Daniel Meltzer

The following e-mail exchange is excerpted from thousands of newly released documents from the files of the Department of Homeland Security. This information is being published here for the first time.[*See glossary below].

Home to all field ops: Send latest ASAP on cryptanalysis and/or fresh intercepts, insights, etc. re. ongoing WWBB-BSBSB* op. CIC* wants this cracked yesterday. Must know names, BG* on all POI* suspected having put the Bop in Bob-Shoo-Bop-Shoo-Bop and/or Bang in Walla-Walla-Bing-Bang.

Op Able: No can confirm CIC’s Walla-Walla-BIG Bang claim at latest RGPC*. Advise no further public mention in order prevent unpatriotic Q’s from nosy newsies. (See previous re. NEWMD*)

Op Baker: Advise CIC and VP* that POR* foodie is Gina Kolata, not Pina Colada. Latter is a drink. Neither is connected with either canary Tina Turner or choreog. Pina Bausch, who is non-related to Tina or Gina, nor is P. Bausch to lensies Bausch and Lomb. Gina-Pina-Tina-Lomb/Bomb legwork turns up bupkis.

Op Charlie: Worth noting B&L makes “contacts.” Recommend observe any and all contacts among above; where, when, focal lengths and f-stops.

Op Dog: No hot or even warm leads here as yet on who put Bop in BSBSB and/or why. Ditto no confirm they be same as placers of Bang in WWBB. Urge all haste to nail this before next GRAMMIES.

Op Echo: Negatory on link as yet between GRAMMIES and GRANNIES, the anti-war gerios.

Op Foxtrot: Still coming up dry in Walla-Walla, Wash. vis-à-vis Veep’s Walla-Walla-BIG-Bang theory. WWW* seems unlikely target, despite all those “dubyas.”

Control: Caution all ops to approach and handle with extreme caution and tact all field work into poss. patrimony of Diva Dinah Washington (DDW) as newly rumored descendant of FOC* Geowash* and AA* housekeeper. CIC wants FOC Geowash kept clean.

Op Golf: Confirm “Al Qaeda” was St. Louis-based drummer in now-defunct Afro-Cuban boat persons trio, “Castro’s Convertibles.” Five other POIs* with positive AQ* IDs thus far; One sells life insurance in Madison, WI. One is Ass’t DA in Augusta, GA. One died in ’97 at 95 or in ’95 at 97 (still checking) in Brooklyn, NY. One is blind, 15, and plays glockenspiel in Tuba City, AZ, high school band, is also Eagle Scout and pres. of local Young Republicans. Fifth was born 11 days ago in Scranton, PA. Somebody pullin’ our chain on this one?

Op Hotel: Grammies archives yield this: “Walla-Walla-Bing-Bang” (“WWBB”) may have been JEBCODE* for WWT* tryst in WWW*. BSBSB was contract op’s descript of mattress mike pickup during nights when paths of DDW* and CBC* crossed at motel in WWW during WWT “for some BB*.”

Op Indigo: BTW; Negatori on VP’s brainstorm “DW” in “DW” Griffith’s movies stood for Dinah Washington. Calendrically impossible. Also, see his “Birth of a Nation.” No way, Jose.

Op Juliet: HK* sources here say it’s “Walla Walla PING PONG.” Suggest looking into all table tennis tourneys, entrants’ visas, vitas, etc. BTW; great dumplings.

Op Kilo: Condi still hot on this Walla-to-Walla carpeting = carpet bombing business? Lotta Iranian rugs out there. What next? KoWallaWalla Bears? Follow the sWalla-Wallows back to Capistrano?

Control: You are out of line, Kilo. CIC and VP are adamant, bitter, and want asinine comments placed elsewhere.

Op Lima: URGENT: We’ve been hacked! “Anacin hospital, adamant bitter asinine places” is retro crypto for “Anna’s in Hospital, a damn ant bit her ass in nine places.” Code Red. Suggest we lock down now, trash everything, start over with new code and better play list.
Home: FLASH: CIC furious, demands “Belgian Waffles” removed from menu for upcoming Agency picnic, says it suggests imminent defection of important WOT* ally, could generate new friction in NATO for COW*. Also wants source of crack “COW as in COWARD” dealt with ASAP. And please refer to above in all future as “picnic” and “picnic” only, not “outing” for obvious reasons. Dress is casual, but please wear socks. You know how he is.

GLOSSARY:

AA – African-American
AQ – Al Qaeda
BB – Bing-Bang
BG – background
B&L – Bausch & Lomb
CBC – Crooner Bing Crosby
CIC – Commander in Chief
COW – Coalition of the Willing
DDW – Diva Dinah Washington
FOC – Father of the Country
Geowash – George Washington
HK – Hong Kong
JEBCODE – (Late F.B.I. Director) J. Edgar Hoover’s bureau code
NEWMD – Nonexistent Weapons of Mass Destruction
POIs – Persons of Interest
POR – Paper of Record (a.k.a. The New York Times)
RG – Rose Garden
RGPC - Rose Garden Press Conference
VP – Vice President
WWBB, BSBSB – Walla-Walla
Bing Bang, Bop-Shoo-Bop-Shoo-Bop
WW Deuce – World War II
WOT – War on Terror
WWT– World War II
WWW – Walla Walla, Washington