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Jobs, A to Z: My alphabet soup of a working life

Dear Human Resources,
Your assistant mentioned you were having trouble placing me, so I’ve enclosed a revised résumé, alphabetized, mostly, for your convenience.

Thanks for taking a closer look.
Best,
Jenny Klion

Jenny Klion in a coyote shadow mask, at Big Apple Circus’s “Grandma Goes West,” in Lincoln Center’s Damrosch Park in, 1989.  Photo by Janet Klion
Jenny Klion in a coyote shadow mask, at Big Apple Circus’s “Grandma Goes West,” in Lincoln Center’s Damrosch Park in, 1989. Photo by Janet Klion

I’ve been an Apprentice for the Pickle Family Circus in San Francisco, but that was a long time ago.

 Also, a Barista at a comedy club in San Francisco, before Barista was a thing. I’m always there before something is a thing. I even flirted with that old “SNL’er Rob Schneider there, before he was a thing…

I’ve been a Comedian, for like two seconds, a Circus Clown, and a Cook on a fishing boat. Also, a Copy Editor for a variety of smut houses — because grammar is very important in pornography.

I was a Dental Assistant, for one Day, and also a Dancer. Plus a Dishwasher at an Italian restaurant when I was 17, which was so Disgusting, I left to be that Cook on a fishing boat.

I’ve been an Essay Writer, an Essay Writer Winner, and an Emcee at a performance art club, before that was a thing. But also a French Fry Cook at a Hard Rock Cafe, where I first started to question the nature of my existence.

I’ve been a Grant Getter, and Game Show Writer, plus a Hollywood Studio Executive, for Jim Henson Pictures, during which time my beautiful daughter was born.

I Interviewed Dick King Smith, of “Babe” fame — in case anybody remembers that sweet pig movie — for a Scholastic magazine.

Also a Juggler, Jewelry Maker and my personal favorite, Jewelry Finder. This means I find jewelry and gems everywhere, and turned THAT into a business.

K, maybe I’m a Kiss Ass, it’s possible.

And as for L, I’m a Letter Writer, both professional and otherwise. See The New York Times, New York Daily News and the bottom of my desk drawer.

 I’m also a Mother, obviously, been a Mask Maker, and even a bad Magician for a while, when I was that Emcee that one time, before that was a thing.

 I’ve worked for Nonprofits, had a Newspaper Column, and was a Natural Foods Breakfast Cook at a theater school in the middle of Nowhere, Wisconsin.

 I was also an Opera singer in Edinburgh and Philadelphia, playing Mrs. Rockefeller, among others, which demonstrates I know how to hang with the big boys.

 I work in Publishing, as a Proofreader, sometimes; am a Playwright, kind of, I like to say so; and also have Performed as a Puppeteer with Big Apple Circus, among others. You can actually see part of my shadow-Puppet act in Woody Allen’s movie “Alice,” which was way before HE had a thing.

 I’ve even nearly been a Quadriplegic, though not exactly, though I once had to spend over four weeks in the spinal cord injury rehab center at Mt. Sinai Hospital. This wasn’t a job per se, but it seemed like it was.

 I’ve been a Receptionist, and still work as a Reader, of book manuscripts and film lit, a thankless job for sure, no matter how many times I am right. I was also on the Rigging Crew for Philippe Petit, when he walked a high wire across the constellations at the top of Grand Central Station.

 I was a Sax player, at the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco — ripped a Solo on “Frosty the Snowman” — been a Scallop Shucker, Sandwich Maker, Sauté Cook, Short Order Cook — on the midnight shift even — plus a Script Adaptor, Script Consultant, Seamstress and Substitute Teacher.

 Also, Trout Cook, at a restaurant designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, in Spring Green, Wisconsin, and once worked one half of one day at a Taco Bell, in Santa Cruz, California. You had to wear that horrible uniform, clean the counters every five seconds, and when I saw my then-crush walk through the front door, I left on my lunch break and never went back.

 I’ve been an Understudy, an Underground Bakery Owner and an Unemployment Receiver.

 V is for Violin, but no, I never did that. I never ran a Victory Lap either. Though maybe in that rehab center, when I could walk again, after I couldn’t. Further information upon request.

 I’ve been a Waitress, and a Wire Walker myself, but don’t get too excited — the cables were crotch level only.

 W is also for Writer, Writer’s Assistant and Wishing I’d gotten the credit I deserve on that Tony-nominated musical and that celebrity chef memoir.

 I’ve been an Xtra on a number of movie sets, almost always in black films, including for Spike Lee and Eddie Murphy, and even twerked in the house of a Run-DMC video, before that was a thing.

 Young Playwrights, NYC hired me for my first script-reading job.

 And Z…no, nothing Z. I’m a lot of hot air, actually. Though Zachariah Zembrowsky was the name of my daughter’s first — and last — boyfriend.

— BY Jenny Klion